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Saturday, 29 December 2012

Dd in pregnancy is hard

It is hard watching my husband struggle with Dd.

It is such a difference.

So often I will feel myself being irritable or getting cross but my beloved often doesn't react.

I even instinctively wince a little, waiting for him to call me up on being rude but often it doesn't come.  It seems that he feels that he needs to allow me to act the way I want to act to protect our baby, as odd as that may sound.

We have had many conversations about it but I think that he is so worried about me and our baby, even if he can't admit it.

I didn't realise just how much last year's miscarriage and my subsequent hospital complications and blood transfusion affected him.  I think it has left an ever lasting imprint on him, it goes beyond him not wanting to spank me, which I understand, but he is also leaving me to be irritable and ignoring my rudeness and I am worried that in doing so he is harming our family unit.

There are times when I feel my hormones are raging and everyone around me clearly takes the brunt, which I really don't mean to happen, but I only seem to notice afterwards.

It doesn't feel like he is less manly or that he is week or that Dd is no longer a part of our life, I think actually it is very healthy for us, I think it puts everything into perspective a little.

He still says things like, 'Make sure you go to bed early tonight please' as he taps my bottom gently. So the smaller things haven't changed. I guess it's the bigger things, mainly the spanking.

I probably am just ignoring the niggling voice inside my head that is asking the most horrifying and frankly embarrassing question.

(she says in a whisper with a crimson face) Do I feel a need to be spanked?

I can't even believe I am asking this.  When he is spanking me I hate it, when I know he plans to spank me I hate it and yet I am sat here questioning if the lack of spanking in my life has left me wanting.

I don't think it is the very spanking itself or the pain that I miss, but spanking as a symbol and all that it represents.

The closeness and warmth that giving all of me to my husband makes me feel.  The femininity that I feel in being his wife in this way.  The symbol of dominance and leadership.  The very fact that he has expectations and requirements which can not be upheld without some form of repercussion if the rules aren't followed.

It will be interesting to see what happens after the baby is born and how our dynamic changes.

I am not worried but more interested to see how we progress.

Happy new year everyone.  I hope you had a lovely Christmas.


Tuesday, 11 December 2012

I'm Pregnant

Hello those of you who still read my blog.

Sorry for the lack of writing.

My lovely husband and I recently found out that we are pregnant.  This time last year, to the week, we had a nasty miscarriage that ended up with me in hospital having a blood transfusion.  It traumatized us quite a bit, so when we found out that we were expecting again, we went into total hibernation mode.

It has been a struggle but we are now in the second trimester and have had a scan, with all great results.

Of course we didn't, at first, know what to do with regards to Dd and pregnancy and my husband originally said that he didn't want to spank me or do anything that could harm the baby.  We were very scared and he treated me like I would crumble if he so much as told me off.

It was good that I was pretty well behaved and respectful.  In all honesty I think that the need to not spank me meant that Dd was given a good injection of strength, and allowed us to take some distance to analyse it all.

It is so easy for it to turn into a game and I have seen lots of people who this happens to, with nicknames and strange rituals.  At the end of the day as Christina at redbootywoman said, Domestic Discipline is a part of my life, it doesn't define me.  This is often a struggle at the start.  I think Dd is so alien to most people at the start, that it can easily turn into a game.

This to us ended after a while and now after two and a bit years (I've lost count), it has just become a natural part of us and the way we live our lives.

I wont lie to you, at first the thought of not spanking was very strange to me.  Spanking has never been a huge part of our life, just something that happens.  However the thought of not doing it was really odd to both of us.

We adjusted though and it forced us to analyse Dd and the way it works for us.  After a few months, it soon became clear that, although it wasn't what defined us, it was a tool that was necessary in our marriage and we have found a way to do it through pregnancy that means no impact is felt from my baby, but that harmony is still restored in our lives when things get out of hand.  It has become an infrequent occurrence though, but is still available for my beloved if and when he needs it.

We shall have to see how Dd progresses from here.

Take care all.