Sunday, 29 July 2012
Women are so odd, why do we say one thing, when we think another.
Why do we expect our poor men to run around guessing how we really feel about something?
This is where my mind went this morning.
Husband, 'It's sorted, we are doing boot camp on Tuesday, can you get me a coffee darling?'
Me, 'Do you want me to write down key points of boot camp so you can make a decision more quickly?'
Husband, 'Yes please' Looking at diary, 'oh, we may have a problem with boot camp as I have a band rehearsal that night'.
Okay, this is what I said in response, 'Oh, well then we can't do boot camp, we need to focus fully on it, so you will need to cancel our daughter going to stay with your parents'.
This is what my mind said.
'Well then you won't be able to do it properly...you aren't willing to focus entirely on us as a couple...You don't want to focus on us as a couple...I put in more effort and you just sit there...How can you expect me to take everything that you want me to take in boot camp, when you wont give yourself fully to the experience... I AM ANGRY...you might as well say to me, 'yes I will spend time working towards our marriage, just so long as I put my band first'.
Grrrrr I AM ANGRY.
It feels like I am willing to put more into Dd and us than he is, he doesn't think or put any forethought into things. He's so annoying!
This is why we row. This is what happens, I get cross because the little voices inside my head start talking to me. I wind myself up into a rage and end up rude and belligerent. This is what causes me to be cross and him to spank me because I end up shouting and being rude.
I have no idea where this will go. I have no idea if I will be able to contain my annoyance and anger with him. I have no idea but the odds are I will end up OTK before the day is through!
No I WONT get you a flipping coffee!
Saturday, 28 July 2012
But since meeting up with A and HP (our Dd friends), he has started to become more adventurous!
Thanks A, I'm so enthralled at that result of our meeting!
But they have gone unnoticed.
I have sent him links and emails, left pages open on my laptop, but nothing - the Big Boss man doesn't like to feel manipulated by his wife!
After meeting up with A and HP, my beloved husband started asking questions, like 'what implements do they normally use?' and 'what rules do they have in place?'
I think, after meeting a real-life couple- it dawned on him just how differently one couple practices Dd, compared with another.
Last night he actually asked me to find out the model and make of a particular kitchen implement that our friends use. Oh crikey, this was a little odd! I didn't know whether to be over the moon that he may be choosing a lighter implement or horrified that he was asking a friend what he chooses to use on his wife when she is naughty. This took my openness and willingness to share to a whole new level!
This change in our dynamic has knocked me slightly.
Previously I knew where all the boundaries were and I simply chose to pretend they weren't there when deciding to misbehave or not.
Now however, those lines have shifted. I feel like a frightened rabbit in the headlights of a car not knowing which way to turn!
OK that might be a slight exaggeration! ;)
This week has not been a great week.
Two major things happened, fueled by alcohol consumption and resulting in me being very sorry and sore, and my husband's patience being severely tested.
On Wednesday I went out to my weekly 'stitch and bitch' session.
This is where a group of friends and I gather at a friend's studio and make things with fabric, while drinking tea and having a natter or moan about our husbands (I don't do the latter).
This week it was baking. We have been in an elongated winter here in the UK recently and this week it turned into summer, almost overnight! So the stitch and bitchers decided that they wanted to go to the pub instead of the usual tea drinking!
Here is mistake no.1 I should have asked for permission to go to the pub and I didn't! To be quite frank I didn't even think about it. Usually when something like this occurs there is a tiny voice in the back of my mind screaming 'C YOU FOOL THIS WILL GET YOU INTO TROUBLE', I think this is my subconscious, but she was hushed long ago, and overtaken by the much loader voice which says 'DO WHAT YOU WANT, TO HELL WITH THE RULES'. This time however it didn't even occur to me!
So off we went to the pub. The girls all chose a small bottle of chilled larger to drink and I, not ever wanting to follow the trend, chose ale, a whole pint of ale!
Here's my second problem. I am light headed, it was hot, I hadn't eaten very well that day and ale is high in alcohol content.
Needless to say I was sloshed in half an hour and then ready to stroll home.
J text me to tell me that we needed to 'have a chat' (that means spanking!) about something else that had happened earlier that day, and I replied by saying 'F*** we will'
Needless to say he was horrified, but also hurt and disappointed which was worse!
Honestly I am so embarrassed to admit that I actually sent that message to him.
I know I don't need to explain what happened as a result of that!
He marched me upstairs as soon as I got home, so quick that my feet couldn't touch the floor.
He then grabbed the belt and the cane and proceeded with the annihilation of a punishment, that was unfortunately well deserved!
Then last night alcohol caused me, and his lap, to meet again!
I don't want you to be sat there thinking, 'boy, this girl has a drinking problem' because actually it's the opposite. I rarely drink, probably twice a month, so all I need is a glass of wine and it's an early night for me!
Last night a friend came round to drown her sorrows about her failing relationship (it was very sad! :( ). The problem is that she is a heavy drinker and a bad influence. Her and I have gotten into mischief plenty of times together already, and when I asked my beloved if she could come round for a drink his response was, 'yes I suppose so, but don't drink very much'.
Apparently my brain didn't retain that part of information! Instead I ended up sharing a bottle of wine, downing shots of toffee vodka and then making us cocktails, while dancing around the house to Now That's What I Call Music 1997!
In the morning, I was happy to realise that I wasn't hung over, but that was some sort of miracle because for me I had consumed allot!
I woke my darling man this morning with a cup of coffee, as I do every morning after he has been working. And after our daily morning cuddle I forced myself to utter the words, 'I disobeyed you last night, and I'm sorry'.
I felt his cuddling arms release me as a wave of disappointment ran through his veins.
I then regaled the sorry tale to him, only for him to reply 'right, I think we need to do boot camp, I can't go out to work in the evening and not know that I can trust you while I am gone'.
Quite possible the worst comeback he could have chosen.
Later in the after noon he had me across his knee. As I lay there I dreaded the normal belt that I believed would soon be removed from his trousers and placed upon my backside, but my darling man had other ideas.
'Now get off my lap' he said, after the final round of 100% force of his hand upon my rear end.
'Go into the kitchen and get me a wooden spoon'
What? this is not normal? What is going on? I'm not sure I like change.
And then the humiliating walk into the kitchen ensued, knowing full well that my backside was the colour of the red wine I had drunk the night before (no the irony is not lost on me!).
I reached for the kitchen implements jar.
They looked so small and unassuming, rather innocent! Just sat there waiting for someone to cook an omelet or a Victoria sponge cake.
Arr, look how sweet it is, so small, surely this won't really hurt, will it?
I considered bringing him back a tiny one that we have, but I didn't think that would go down well, plus let's not anger the beast when I still have a stripey behind from the night before!
I returned with the spoon, still feeling confident that I could take it, compared to the belt or cane.
Oh. My. Gosh.
I don't think I have ever been so wrong about anything.
He swatted me twice a second for what seemed like eternity, while he had me pinned over his knee with his hand. I couldn't move apart from my legs which kicked and flailed as I screeched and begged.
I was not expecting it, it was so painful! How can something so small and unassuming be so painful!
I took my daughter to the park today and as I ran around my buttocks ached so much!
I am now worried that after today's spanking, my husband's bedside table drawer will look like this...
And to top it all off I now have boot camp to contend with!
I don't think I will ever drink again!
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
I have struggled with this nature as I am a very open person.
I feel like I am always lying to the world.
I feel like I want to walk around the town, like a town crier, yelling 'HERE YE, HERE YE, I LIKE TO BE SUBMISSIVE TO MY HUSBAND AND WHEN I'M NOT HE SPANKS ME!'
However something that I do not keep a secret is my adoration for him, my respect for him, the fact that I will follow his lead, wherever he chooses to take me and my love for him is unconditional.
Yesterday he took my daughter and me to the beach. We popped down (it's only a mile from our house) in the early evening, he went for a swim, she played in the sand, then we strolled up the beach to get her some fish and chips for dinner.
We passed a beautiful river with old wooden boats. They were gorgeous, with cushioned seats at one end and you could rent them for an hour or two.
I thought they were beautiful and he agreed and said we should take our chips and row up stream for a picnic. It was so lovely. My daughter and I sat on the seat while my strong wonderful husband rowed us upstream.
When we got off the boat, I climbed out, followed by my husband.
I was so proud in that moment. We stepped onto the jetty and were met by an Islamic family. The women seemed so beautiful and submissive and the men proud and strong. Next to them were an average white-Dorset family at the seaside. The women were dressed in mini skirts, smoking cigarettes with tattoos all over them and tinged pink from the sun, swearing at their children for doing something wrong. The men were sipping from cans of larger and belching, with their overweight, bare chests showing.
I looked towards my husband and I. My in my below knees skirt and cardigan, he in his long shorts and shirt and straw hat and at my obvious submission towards him.
I looked at our family next to the Islamic family and then to the white-Dorset family and in that moment I saw which family we were more like. I instantly wanted to prove my submission to my husband, I was beaming with pride, so much so that my chest was full to bursting with it.
Why has British society started to see British Muslims as treated poorly by their men, I have met hundreds of Islamic families and have never seen this to be true. All I see (and I am pointing towards British Muslims here), is a respectful family with strong values. Like my husband and I, they don't show off any inappropriate parts of their body, or act with any lack of self respect in public.
I love my lifestyle, it has taken me a while to articulate why but I love being a Dd wife. No, I am not saying that I love being spanked, of course not, but I love the life that we live.
I love being his, and only his.
I love him leading and protecting me from harm (even from myself as he says!).
I love allowing him room to command our lives and children as he sees fit, because I trust him unconditionally.
I love that he is gentle, loving and protective and sees the job of leading our family as his role, his right, and his duty and takes it very seriously.
I love the trust I have for him.
I love that it feels like I am standing on high wall, with my arms outstretched, knowing that is always there to catch me.
I love that he takes control, I don't have to worry as he will always do what is right for all of us.
I love and believe that he has the right to spank me if he wishes, or to take whatever measures he deems necessary to see that our family is run smoothly.
I love it all and I love all of the things in between that I just can't articulate.
I am never happier than when we are walking in public, me holding the hand of our daughter with one hand and putting my hand over my husband arm with the other, as his proudly strides along the street.
You can see in his face that he is saying, 'this is my family, I have built this and I will do what is necessary to protect it.
All of this is why Dd makes me a very happy wife.
Sunday, 22 July 2012
First, our Dd friends stayed in the town, then my impressionable 18-year-old cousin and then my friend who knows about our Dd lifestyle.
What a week! I love entertaining but my husband had me on my best behaviour and now I am very tired.
With my cousin he said, 'she is raised in a world where men are weak and women are bossy and belligerent, you need to show her how a happy, strong couple can be'.
With our Dd friends my husband said, 'you WILL NOT show me up in front of them, they expect women to be courteous and respectful to their husbands, so YOU WILL act accordingly and be on your best behaviour.'
With my non Dd friend he said, 'We are a walking advert for this lifestyle, you need to show her how good it can be'.
So by the time my final guest was here, I felt exhausted. I am not used to all this submission. With guests here we spend allot of time together, and it has been a 12-hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week submission exercise and I am shattered!
I can't cope with all of this parading around, acting like a perfect wife - I am a natural rebel.
I feel like I have donned my flowery apron, pearls and have been in some 1950s idyl for far too long.
Now I want to run around in the road, swear, be rude, shout and scream!
Today was the last day of the guests. Lets face it something was bound to happen, the odds were against me!
My husband, bless him, wore sandals for the first time this year, earlier today (the weather is, only now starting to look like summer!), and he put socks on under his sandals! I couldn't believe it! I know I now sound really superficial but isn't it common knowledge that that looks really dumb! I only see old men wearing socks and sandals and I feel sorry for them. When I see them I think, 'arr, bless them, they don't have anyone at home telling them they look silly'.
I laughed at him, but was mainly horrified! He then spent about 30 minutes looking for another pair of shoes. We were late and I was seriously irritated. I know this all sounds petty superficial and pathetic but do remember that I had played the role of courteous wife for a week, so my tolerance levels were running low.
I am normally courteous, but not full time!! I have episodes of bad attitude but who doesn't,
so I was sensitive and cross. I kept digging at him and giving him little comments here and there.
I went to walk away, after throwing some remark or other and he instantly jumped up from the giant shoe pile.
'Come here' he said, standing tall and beckoning me into the dining room. I was very conscious that our guest was sat in the other room and was very aware of what he was saying.
I did as I was told (I'm not that un-submissive) and stood diligently in front of him.
'Stop' he said. Short and simple.
'Do I need to say any more?' he continued, looking down at me with a 'Do Not Mess With Me' face.
I shook my head and said 'sorry'.
And that was it. We walked out of the room and he tapped me on the bottom.
Later in the day while we were alone, I said to my non Dd friend, 'did you hear him telling me off? was it weird?'
'Yes I heard him and no it wasn't weird' said my friend. 'to be honest you were asking for it'
'Really?' I said, surprised at the new insight into my relationship.
'Yes' she said, 'C, you were really rude to him!'
And there you have it, a Dd stance on my Dd relationship, from a friend who does not practice Dd!
I was very proud of her though. At no point have I tried to push Dd onto her, but she has openly said that she could implement it eventually and that certain elements already run through her relationship that are Dd in nature.
At the end of the last evening of her stay she said to my husband, 'J, are there any things that I can do to make my boyfriend feel that I respect him more?'
I couldn't believe me ears! My friend is trying to take some elements of our Dd lifestyle into hers.
So perhaps I did succeed in acting as a 'walking advert for this lifestyle'!
I don't think she will be a spanked wife anytime soon, but who knows? I would like to think her positivity towards Dd is as a result of our obvious success as a Dd husband and wife.
But I could be wrong!
Thursday, 19 July 2012
My husband - I would normally premise this with a choice of flattering adjectives (lovely, wonderful, sexy) but Im mad and sulky so I refuse today - is becoming increasingly strict.
He normally gives me a chance or two before he takes action against me if I'm rude, but recently he has been taking immediate action. It is unsettling!
I know why this has happened.
Before meeting, my Dd friend and I warned each other this would happen. For want of a better name I shall call her P.
When P and I texted each other, prior to meeting, she would say to me, "I hope they don't get any tips from each other".
I naively thought, "what's the worst that can happen?"
Well now I know!
My husband is a changed man!
Yes he has always been strict, but it's all relative.
Previously I had small loop holes that my behaviour could slip through, unpunished. Little protective weapons that I could whip out to dodge any possible spankings but now it's all crumbled beneath me!
The boss is walking around with a new purpose, a more confident stride, a stronger HoH air about him.
His first Dd meeting has lit a fire beneath him, propelling him faster towards his goal, to rid his wife of naughtiness and disrespectful tendancies.
Today, I thought I had it sussed. Yesterday I was given a relatively light spanking (only his hand) because he said that I had been 'curteous and respectful' when lectured and had shown 'true remorse' for being rude to him.
Today when I was slightly rude to him, I planned it all. I thought if he thinks I am very sorry and put on my submissive puppy-dog eyes, I would get away with it. I was wrong!
Manipulate my husband? -I cannot.
The thing was, I wasn't rude at all. Well OK, maybe a teeny weeny bit but nothing major! In the past I might have received some maintenence for what I did, but not this time. He pounced on me like a lion with a fresh piece of meat or a dog catching a bird.
It is like, having met another HoH he has been given affirmation that being a strong leader for his home is the right thing to do. Like if he was 80% sure before, now having met another strong leader, it has fueled the last 20%. -by goodness I had better watch myself!
This evening I thrown across his lap before I could say the word paddle! He wasn't messing around either! He slapped my backside with his hand like there was no tomorrow. The worst thing was that we had just been walking in the evening air so my buttocks were freezing, oh gosh, a spanking on cold skin is atrocious! Like his hand was covered in needles.
They did get tips from each other, or at least inspiration!
Was it worth it? 1,000,000,000%!!!
We spoke earlier on the phone which was lovely.
I think I shall have to work harder on my attitude, especially as P and I are planning a second meeting!!
Monday, 16 July 2012
I have always struggled with feeling isolated due to the secret nature of Dd.
Just last month I was stood at a party watching a group of my friends talking, thinking 'my life is so removed from what you think it is'.
I have however been in contact via the Learning DD network and text, with another British Dd wife, over the past 10 months or so.
Last night my husband and I met them.
It was a very surreal experience. I have never met anyone from the internet before and I didn't know what to expect.
I have also never met another Dd couple before, so it was a very exciting prospect.
I was very nervous. I sat in the pub, waiting for their arrival, with sweaty palms and a racing heartbeat. I felt like I was waiting to sit an exam or something!
Then in they came. It was lovely. We chatted and got to know each other. The conversation flowed, despite knowing a great deal about each other already from my friend's text messages.
There was originally no intention of talking about spanking, Dd or rules, however my big mouth soon changed all intentions!
We were talking about movies and I remembered that my friend and her husband had recently seen the film a Dangerous Method.
I asked my friend's husband if he had enjoyed it. There was certainly a twinkle in my eye as I asked, knowing full well that it contained a handful of spanking scenes.
My husband said, 'which film is that, have we seen it?'
'Yes' I said, 'don't you remember, the spanking one?'
And everyone cracked up. Woops, there goes my big mouth!
'Did you just say the S word?' my Dd friend asked me.
And from then on the conversation swerved into unchartered territory. It was refreshing, if bizzare, sitting in a local pub discussing how our husband's choose to spank us if we get out of line.
It felt both very normal, as we were two couples discussing it, and aparently unusual, as hushed tones were often adopted!
The strangest moment had to be when my friend's HoH said, 'I just don't get the female pshyche. Sometimes I hit myself in the head and think, why did you do that.'
And 'I don't understand why women want rules, but want to break them!'
Listening to another man saying the things my husband says so often to me was very strange, but also lovely.
It was surreal sat listening to two men discussing the behaviour, or lack there of, of their wives.
So my feelings of loneliness in Dd are dissapearing, just as the feelings of closeness to my husband increases dramatically with Dd.
I'm so thankful to have, not only a close Dd friend who is now certainly a real person (my husband had his doubts), but also, a close Dd friend who I am so similar to.
We have lots in common, some things are so similar that it's incredible that we met each other.
I'm a great believer in fate and I think it was certainly meant to be.
We are seeing our new friends again today and I'm so excited.
Thankyou P and A. You made my month!
Saturday, 14 July 2012
My friends have all read the triliogy, I too have jumped on the band wagon (I know, a little late!)
I decided to buy a paper copy, I read too much on my Kindle ap!
I had to preorder the book as my local bookshop was selling out on a daily basis!
They called to tell me it was in stock.
After work, I wandered into the bookshop, pretending like I wasnt about to purchase a sex book!
I was served by a gentleman in his late 50s.
I said, 'Hello, I've come to pick up my preordered copy of 50 Shades of Grey.' Still pretending like it's a book about natute or something!
'Yes of course, what was your name?'
I gave him my name.
'Ah yes, here we are' said the man, producing a copy of the much talked about novel.
He looked at me seriously, 'it's a bit raunchy you know?'
I laughed, 'yes I know, I've read allot about it'.
'Oh right,' he said, 'just making sure you know what you're getting yourself into'.
Great I don't think I can get away with nonchalant any longer!
I payed for the book and he said, 'have you got your husband's permission?'
Oh my gosh, did he just say that?
Slightly confused, but glad to have a Dd response for once, I smiled and said, 'yes of course I did, you called and spoke to him to tell him it was in stock'.
'Oh good, well just checking, I don't want us to get into trouble now.'
Ummm oh gosh, do I have -MY HUSBAND SPANKS ME written on my face!?
'Yes it's fine' I reassured him again, still utterly gobsmacked that I'm having this conversation in a book shop.
'Oh good' said the man. 'you're husband has given permission'.
He handed me my purchase, in a bag.
'Oh wait a minute,' he said, 'I almost forgot, this isn't Abu Dhabi.'
And with that I left the shop.
Astonished by the conversation I had just had in my tiny town.
No this isn't 'Abu Dhabi', but I do gain my husband's permission to do things, because I'm a respectful, loving wife, and it brings harmony to our marriage.
My husband said, when regaling this story, 'good, more people should ask their husband's permission. Do you think in years to come people will think we do Dd because of 50 Shades of Grey?'
Oh gosh, I hope not!
Friday, 13 July 2012
Not literally! - now that would be a strange spanking position!!!
I like to take the micky out of people - i'm told I do it as a sign of enderement towards others.
I guess im playful and I love to joke.
Of course this happens most with my HoH, but I have learnt very quickly where the line is!
We were walking through town yesterday. We had just had a wonderful, carefree morning, wandering around charity shops, stopping for lunch and bumping into people we know.
We have recently been allocated an alotement and decided to pick up some garden canes for our tomato plants and I was carrying them home.
As we were walking I started to play with him.
He said 'iv been thinking about buying a new website, but im not sure which domain name to buy'.
He then started to talk about this site and that site, and the interested part of my brain started to switch off.
Looking very serious and pretending that I was enthralled by what he was saying I said, 'have you thought about a domain name that is personal to you? Something that instantly means you when people see it?'
'what sort of thing do you mean', he said.
'oh I don't know' I said, with a badly shielded twinkle in my eye, 'how about sonething catchy like irritatinghusbanddoesntknowwhentostopboringhiswife.com?'
He pretended not to laugh. Nodding to the garden canes he said 'be mindful of what you are carrying my love"
Monday, 9 July 2012
Friday, 6 July 2012
So what has Dd done to me?
I am naturally...
Confident, outgoing, friendly, a little insecure (aren't we all?), the first one at the party, cheeky, artistic, passionate, caring, loud, blunt, determined, loving, sometimes a bit grumpy, musical, chatty....
Confident, more reserved, friendly but cautious, less insecure, the first one to leave the party :(, naughty, well behaved, submissive, independent, rebellious, obedient, conscientious, thoughtful, analytical.
My husband is naturally...
Tall (very, very tall), very talented, loving, caring, sexy, strong, SOOO intelligent, confident and unconfident, a strong man, an insecure boy, kind...
Still tall (but taller when he want's to tell me off!), still so talented, so loving, very caring, SO sexy, even stronger, intelligent, more confident, still a strong man and not so much of an insecure boy, a bit scary when he has to be, courageous, sacrificing, leading, thoughtful, selfless, attentive and kind.
Dd has changed us and continues to change us on a daily basis. Sometimes it feels like we are taking one step back to take a leap forward but the positive is that we move forward.
Sometimes I think, 'STOP, WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?' but then more frequently I realise, 'wow we have something really special here and we are stronger because of it'.
We will continue to grown, I will continue to break rules (not consciously) and he will continue to act to improve and strengthen our family.
Monday, 2 July 2012
Not a Dd friend, but a friend from university who, because of life getting in the way and geographical location differences, I have not kept in close enough contact with.
While at uni, we shared a fantasy.
The fantasy came from the film Secretary. She lent it to me when we lived together, and we both admitted that a strong powerful man who didn't fear putting a wayward wife over his knee was no bad thing!
Years go by (about 5 I think), I get married and Dd comes into my life.
It took me by force like a storm. It sucked me up, spat me out, forcing me to confront issues that I didn't know existed.
It came with such energy, such gusto, it barely gave me time to stop and catch my breath.
At first I found it very confusing. It encouraged me to to be better. To be better as a mother, wife, as a human being. It encouraged me to show kindness to others, to analyse my own behaviour and actions and to strengthen the already concrete bonds between me and my husband.
In the early days I shared this journey with three friends.
The first thought that Dd could only be a sex thing. 'Do you have sex afterwards?' she inquired.
'Sometimes', I said.
'Where there you have it, it's a sex thing'. She said, and it wasn't mentioned again.
The second, who is the most in need of a spanking out of all the women I know, said 'I'm jealous, I wish my husband was that strong'. But it was never mentioned again.
The third who I shall call Big D, stayed with me on the journey. I may not have mentioned it every time I saw her, but I did keep the conversation alive.
She seemed to get it.
Over the past few years I have sent her links to this blog and that blog, and this quote and that quote, to try and ease her into this life of mine.
Then finally, last week, I felt it was time.
I emailed her my blog link.
She, who was sat in a cafe in Rome at the time, was shocked and unable to get to a computer!
But the deed was done. I was nervous, I was thinking, 'Oh gosh, she is gonna freak, does she know that my husband uses his belt on me?'
'Will the idea be very different from reality, as shown in my blog?'
A few days ago she called and she was intrigued. She had questions, but she thought in the same way as me.
It was lovely to finally share this with a tangible friend.
It was lovely to finally intermingle the two worlds, Dd and Life!
So Big D, I know you will read this.
Thank you for not being judgmental. Thanks for not thinking the way convention tells us to in the west.
I can't wait to see you in a few weeks.